Have you ever faced a decision in your life where you know that no matter how you approach things, someone is going to end up getting hurt? That you’re going to regret the decision no matter which way you choose?

It’s been about three years now, and I’m still tearing myself up emotionally and mentally for my decision. I find myself wishing I could go and apologize, even though pushing them away was the right thing to do, but I know that they’re never going to talk to me ever again.

I find myself circling around and around mentally. I did the right thing in cutting them off before I hurt them even worse through my growing instability. It is obvious that my mental stability is decreasing as my condition worsens. There’s a direct correlation between my health and my ability to control my emotional state. Also, to my memory loss. This is not a mental health thing. This is my body breaking down piece by piece.

And yet I’ve also come to realize that you have to trust others’ perception of you. Pushing someone away is saying you don’t trust their judgement. Still, hurting others when you lash out in pain and frustration is just as bad, or maybe worse.

Around and around in circles. What is — or was — the correct answer? I’ve come to believe there was never a correct answer at all and that people were going to be hurt — both others and myself — no matter how this played out.

Just one more thing on the pile of things I will never forgive myself for. A growing pile; I’ve pushed away a lot of people in the last three years, which is clearly for the better, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever accept that as having been the right choice. Had I not pushed them away, I’d still be hating myself just as much for lashing out when I do.

I did try to warn people about this, but nobody really wanted to listen. In the end, they were all going to be very angry at me no matter how this played out and I guess the original sin was really reaching out to others at all..

..but the desperation of my health conditions meant there was no way I could go it alone, no matter how much I desperately wanted to.

Suicide was never an option, either. My will to live is entirely too strong for the easy way out.

Damned. No way around it, I’ve damned myself for the rest of my existence and I can’t say I didn’t earn every second of it.

— Firehawke